While I was working on a project last night, I came across this short piece from Sichot HaRan (Rabbi Nachman’s Wisdom) #121. I’ve taught it dozens of times and seen it even more than that, but it hit me with a new force. I literally felt as if the Rebbe zl slapped me in the face. Here is the piece:
The Rebbe once lectured us to pray with concentration and energy. He emphasized that a person must exert himself to pray with all his strength. He said, “You put as much energy into your prayers as I did into pulling up the anchor.”
The Rebbe was once travelling by ship when an emergency arose. Everybody on board—crew and passengers—was pressed into service and forced to pull the rope with all his might to weigh anchor. “I went through the motions of pulling with all my strength, but really I wasn’t using any energy at all. I was actually pretending. I was being coerced, so I acted as if I was pulling with all my might. The is what your prayer ‘with energy and concentration’ is like.”
I had always taken away the obvious message: you’re not really putting in genuine effort; and obvious message #2: c’mon—you call that trying? But last night it hit me hard when I realized that the Rebbe zl was telling me why I wasn’t putting honest effort into my davening. I feel like I’m being coerced. On a subtle level, part of why I am in shul three times a day is that I have to be there.
Definitely some part of me wants to daven or I wouldn’t do it all. But since not all of my self is invested in davening, I don’t invest all of my energy into davening. I’m pretending to pull the rope to weigh anchor. I’m making all the appropriate gestures and noises that come along with it, but really I’m putting on a show. Sometimes it’s such a good show I fool even myself.
But as with anything in life that a person feels called to do, he’ll give it everything he’s got. Hearty davening!
© Copyright 2014 148west.com/O. Bergman
Related posts:
- Open Gates The fifth week of Sefirat HaOmer, the Omer Count, started Tuesday night. This entire week, through next Tuesday...
- Saving Money Q. I wanted to know what the frum [i.e., ultra-Orthodox] world and the Breslov world thinks about putting away money...
- Reb Noson’s Prayers A few introductory words to this post. Reb Noson was Rebbe Nachman’s primary disciple. He wrote prayers based on...
- Shabbos Night (2 of 10) (In memory of Chaim Barukh Yehudah ben Dovid Tzvi zl) K’gavna (In chassidic shuls, this piece of Zohar is...
I just read your post. It’s interesting. 2 Shabbatot ago I was in a southern city and there were 2 Jews in the city. The other Jew is not yet religious, but when he saw me wearing my Shabbat clothes he said he felt like it was Shabbat and he even came up to make kiddush in my room.
Our mantra for the trip was “Gam Ze LeTova” from Nachum ben Gamzu. On the way home our flight from that city to Beijing was delayed and I was really worried we would miss our connection. I was worried about making my wife upset if I wasn’t home for Shabbat with her parents and that I didn’t have any food left. My colleague was the one with Emuna and I was afraid.
That being said, there are times when I have Emuna and I can let go and let Hashem control what is going on.
Last Shabbat, I made it back to Israel Friday morning, I was at the Kotel and 100 soldiers walked in. We davened with the soldiers and when I said kaddish (I was the only one) 200-300 Yiddin answered. Davening and dancing with the holy soldiers was such a high, but having so many people answer my kaddish loudly was really over the top. I felt the warmth coming off Har HaBayit. I could feel Hashem’s embrace.
I think it’s like everything in spritual pursuits. Sometimes we need to bring it out from the inside and sometimes we have to push or force it from the outside. As far as I understand it, that is why we have the Shemona Esrei written out, but we can also add to it. We are given a structure a framework and we can add to it when and if we feel the need.
Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know it’s not just me that feels fake (half-hearted) sometimes in my strive to become close to Hashem and do his will.
Shlomo