Sheila Rubio
]]>Our mantra for the trip was “Gam Ze LeTova” from Nachum ben Gamzu. On the way home our flight from that city to Beijing was delayed and I was really worried we would miss our connection. I was worried about making my wife upset if I wasn’t home for Shabbat with her parents and that I didn’t have any food left. My colleague was the one with Emuna and I was afraid.
That being said, there are times when I have Emuna and I can let go and let Hashem control what is going on.
Last Shabbat, I made it back to Israel Friday morning, I was at the Kotel and 100 soldiers walked in. We davened with the soldiers and when I said kaddish (I was the only one) 200-300 Yiddin answered. Davening and dancing with the holy soldiers was such a high, but having so many people answer my kaddish loudly was really over the top. I felt the warmth coming off Har HaBayit. I could feel Hashem’s embrace.
I think it’s like everything in spritual pursuits. Sometimes we need to bring it out from the inside and sometimes we have to push or force it from the outside. As far as I understand it, that is why we have the Shemona Esrei written out, but we can also add to it. We are given a structure a framework and we can add to it when and if we feel the need.
Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know it’s not just me that feels fake (half-hearted) sometimes in my strive to become close to Hashem and do his will.
Shlomo
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